May 04, 2005

The mind that rambles

Last Sunday I had a rather bad moment where I got seriously down, quick. This led me to a conversation I had with someone that got me thinking about somethings. Thought you all might like to see what it is like inside my mind: (Mind you this is a wee disjointed as I was just typing out my thoughts as they occured to me)

I have my first group therapy session tomorrow, pyschiatrist was pushing for it. I do not like people, so what good is it going to do me to stick me in a roomfull? Depression and pyschological repercussions were the reasons behind a lot of my behaviors in Korea. According to that little test I take, chances are I have been clinically depressed for years. But because of an absolute dislike for therapy, I hadn't done anything about it.But I was on yet another downslide towards serious depression, so I knew I had to from previous experiance the last time it happened I was fortunate enough to wake up before I was sent to counseling, not of my own accord, and did so on my own. That was AIT, where I had an affinity to scratching the hell out of myself, and being seriously self destrctive. g-d knows how I made it through that class. But, that was 5 years ago, I am older, wiser, and have a lot more to lose if I don't follow through, not exactly a good period in my life, much as Korea wasn't I tried going for counseling in Korea, but the first guy I spoke to was such an ass I gave up. I have had these rather erratic mood swings for years I can go for quite awhile on the upper end of things, before I slide, and usually when I did before, it didn't last too long. There have only been 2 moments in life when I realized that I was going too far down and if I let it go, it could only end badly that was AIT, and earlier this year. Most of my mood swings were not so dramatic as to be noticable by others outside of my circle, and they didn't affect my work, so I left them alone, figured that I was fine. However, all those little things, and a few big things have led me to the point where I am now psychologically speaking, to the point where I have to be on medication to help get me out of that pit and back out of steady land. Usually I just get kinda moody and grumpy, kinda like PMS just not in that time of the month. Sunday night was an aberration for me in the last year or so, I have had worse ones, but those are usually triggered by something outside, like failing at work, or something like that. Sunday was internal, my thoughts were running rampant and I couldn't control them even though I tried to some of those mood swings are where I have made some of my more stupid mistakes. Letting go of Daniel for example. Believe it or not, that accident changed a lot of that. And I am working on making those go away, cause that is possible. It is entirely possible to get rid of those kinds of swings I think, between the CBT, and the actual pyschologist, we are working on ways to prevent those. Prevent me from making foolish decisions based on shit that is hidden away in my mind that I don't really even know is affecting me. For a long time I denied that my promiscuity had anything to do with my childhood, or the constant cycle of boyfriends that I would fall for, and then get scared and run. Stupid shit like that, that I am now growing up out of and trying to make a new life for myself Having Daniel is helping that process out a great deal, I have something to reach for, a goal in mind, the promise that if I can deal with this andput it behind me, there is a better life waiting for me rather then the perpetual lonliness of running away from everyone who has ever cared for me (with the exception of family of course) There are events in my life that have impacted my life in a very negative way my childhood was taken, I grew up faster then I should have, I lost my best friend in a very violent manner, and have gotten blown up. HOWEVER, those events are part of my past, part of what has helped shape who I am today, BUT not who I am. I do not define myself by those events, but rather by what those events.
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